My Story

I put up the bravest front in order to care for my granddaughter. I sacrificed much, and as always put myself in harm’s way--utterly jeopardizing my own safety and well-being.
And in turn I got death threats from my son, her father, and likely vandalized by her other family. Her mother sent me a nasty letter. I had to quit school (for a time), lost income, and the little apple cart I was only barely stabilizing was so close to falling apart. But I fought hard. Scared all the while, because of my health and many other foes and factors.
I have spent a lifetime trying to overcome the lot in life I was born into. And every obstacle to my success.
I wish more than anything her parents were good parents and took care of her the way she deserves. But, I knew this was coming when Briana was pregnant with her. I just never wanted my granddaughter to suffer. The way I did when I was a child.
Alonna tries my patience sometimes. It is hard. I catch no break and no help, and I am currently on a fixed income. I am trying to recover from physical ailments and financial and life setbacks -- as always.
For the first time in my life, I forgive myself for what I always believed was failure. There is no way in this world I could have taken care of my two sons as a young 19 year old without help. And this is why I forced their father to help me when I was 23. I was so young and on my own and so scared.
My own mother was murdered when I was 2.5. I only lived with my father from 6-13. I left home at 13 and became an emancipated minor at 14.
Instead, he, their father kept my children from me, using them as leverage. And he sued me for child support. And this impacted every area of my life for all of my twenties and thirties. I paid child support to him while my youngest son was in foster care at one point.  While the foster care parent was getting money for him and he lived with a friend.
But worse than that, he spent years telling them how much he hated me, creating a false narrative about me. Abusing them/neglecting them/punishing them for being my sons. And he succeeded in manufacturing hate and a wasted life in my oldest son.
I have been raped, beaten, abused, and more. I have overcome every difficulty and poverty, poor health and homelessness and bankruptcy.
I was 17 years old when I became a mother. Married to a guy who beat the shit out of me and treated me poorly. I decided at 19 I did not want that life. Such a brave and naive girl. In a sense, I am lucky I was born with the most stubborn and defiant streak. It is what helped keep me alive. And I suppose God wants me here or I would not be.
To think I could take care of 2 boys on my own. With no job, no home, no car, no family, no support. And I tried. Wow, did I try. And oh, how we struggled. Even being homeless. And that struggle broke me.
I can barely handle taking care of my granddaughter now. It is so hard. And I still have no support. No partner. No family. No help. And I get shit from everyone instead of just a simple, I hope you are okay. My son tells me he hates me, calls me a cunt and asks for $200 all in the same breath.
And just like with them, no one helps me now.
I am at the place in life, I no longer care. I am fed up with bull shit. And I am just trying to create a meaningful life for myself. I will do the best I can with Alonna. But, it is very hard. How could it not be, I am dealing with limited resources, and much opposition. Yet, I will remain steadfast and undaunted and keep trying.
I hope that her mother gets it together, but the prognosis is very grim. I simply want to focus on me now. And get a job again -- like a $100,000 a year job. How is it that some uneducated person can earn $80k and I cannot.
I always had the peculiar problem, fault really, of being unable to compromise myself. I just want to go back to work full-time. So that I can afford a doctor and not have to deal with the VA healthcare system anymore, which is truly abusive and 100% inept.
A great job will help enable me to hire a nanny to help me. And a cleaning service to help me. I need help and the only help I will ever get in this life is the help I pay for. And I am good with that. I hate relying on the government. It strips one of dignity. Bureaucrats are so stupid!
My son threatened my life for the last time. I want nothing more to do with him. I will not prevent him from talking to his daughter, as long as someone else pays for the phone bill.
When I move, it is important to me, for my own safety and well-being that my address remain confidential. There is zero trust in this situation now, and it is important to me to be safe. Maybe one day, trust can be restored. Though, I do not believe that will ever happen. I lost hope for him. My son is damaged goods. And represents everything I loathe about people and society.
I refuse to feel sorry for myself. And even though this life has been particularly harsh and unfair to me, I will never give up. Though, do know,  there are times, dark times, I thought I was at the end of my rope. I love this life, and I hope to enjoy it and live life well. And to contribute something positive. And for as long as I am blessed with breath, I will give this life my all.

And I will die fighting. It is all I know. Life is a struggle. It really is.
My Story My Story Reviewed by Ruth Hochman on November 02, 2017 Rating: 5

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